I suspect your orgasms are just as good when you watch lesbian porn, CAPP, but the sense—suppressed when you were turned on, surfacing once you're not—that the performers weren't really enjoying themselves taints your lesbian-porn-enhanced orgasms in retrospect. Seek out lesbian porn featuring actual lesbians—authentic lesbian porn is out there. Sometimes we overcome the negative messaging our culture sends us about our identities or bodies only after our erotic imaginations have seized on the fears or self-loathing induced by those messages and turned them into kinks. Before a guy can ask a partner to indulge him in SPH, CAPP, he has to accept (and kind of dig) his small cock.
So the acceptance is there, but the kink—a turn-on rooted in a resolved conflict—remains.
(Particularly when that someone is clearly objectifying you!
How does one get into the gay BDSM bottoming and leather scene?
"When I was first getting started, I found a local leather contingent that held monthly bar nights and discussion groups that taught classes for kinksters at any level.
(Small steps, but steps nonetheless.) But when I see this woman and we flirt like mad, my brain just shuts off and all I can think about is her hot bod and the many hours I want to spend with it. Man, I Love Feminism At the risk of dansplaining...
You won't be able to go from disclosing your kink to realizing it during that candlelit dinner.
Take it slow, maybe watch a few how-to videos in addition to the porn, find the positions and angles that work for you, etc., and work your way up to taking him all the way down. I recently met a hot older woman, age 46, who has told me she finds me equally hot. I just love their confidence and their comfort in their own skin. The problem is that I take a serious interest in feminism.
You're not attracted to younger women, you're attracted to older women; instead of accepting that, you feel compelled to justify it by comparing younger women to older women and declaring—again, by implication—that there's something wrong with younger women.
You sound like one of those gay men who can't tell you why he's attracted to dudes without also (or only) telling you what he dislikes about women.