There was no way that he could like me in that way.
I was interested in giving a relationship with Mike a try, yet I was afraid.
But I wasn’t about to accept the first guy that came my way. I constantly worried about talking and acting perfectly.
I was polite and naïve, so I replied to any guy who didn’t message me with “Hey” or “You’re hot”. Mainly, it’s about physical intimacy, emotional intimacy and adding enjoyment to your life. If you can’t honestly say ‘yes’ to those questions, you might need to lose weight. I focused on pleasing everybody and making them like me. I tried to lose weight because my mother wanted me to.
You need to be able to love, forgive and trust yourself before you can consider giving them to another person.
If you don’t know how to give yourself love, you’ll be clueless how to give it to anybody else. Rob’s ambition, smarts and dedication intimidated me.
You might assume that I was actively looking for a boyfriend on OKCupid. By creating an account on OKCupid, I was opening myself up to love, not setting a goal to find love. I asked myself: Losing weight was one way for me to do those things. In the end, those reasons didn’t motivate me enough to stick to my weight loss plans.
The number of messages I received on OKCupid confirmed that I had something valuable to offer. True, I still had some weight to lose and wasn’t completely confident in myself.
I was afraid of getting hurt if he wasn’t actually interested in me. Being open and honest with myself, let alone anybody else, was terrifying. I can only remember through the eyes of an obese, insecure teen girl.
Though it would be interesting to know for certain, I’m glad I never clarified my relationship with Mike.
I was waiting for the moment when he would finally understand me and be repulsed. If you can’t love yourself, you won’t be able to understand why someone else would love you. I didn’t love myself and didn’t get much love from my distant family or friends. You can’t replace self-love with love from another.
I was waiting for him to tell me I wasn’t good enough, the way I told myself that every day. If you start a relationship when you don’t love yourself, you’ll have many hardships along the way. My peers were starting to have relationships as young as 12. In my experience, it’s better to let love come naturally.